Many of us are difficult to worry of loneliness. It differs from comfortable solitude and can have a destructive effect on the psyche. Psychologist Karin Hall tells what steps can be taken to change his condition and the situation itself.

It seems that on loneliness there is a stigma of shame. Many of us are more likely to admit in a depressive mood than that they are alone. The reason for this is fear to meet with condemnation. We are afraid to look strange or losers and therefore do not say that we feel abandoned or excluded from society.

Non -freedom in the discussion of this topic only strengthens the problem and how we perceive it. If we judge ourselves for loneliness, taking steps to a change in the situation is even more difficult. Then we begin to torment ourselves because we do nothing.

The very unpleasant feeling that we experienced when we did not want to take us to the school team, it seems that it remains with us in adulthood. Only the causes and situations are changing. The thought often comes to us: if I have no friends, then something is wrong with me. The media often call loners of the killers whose names appear in the first lanes, and this only enhances fear of condemnation.

In fact, this sensation is not directly related to the number of friends. This is an internal experience. It is experienced by those who really communicate little, and those who are surrounded by people.

Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Solitude is to be alone in your own choice, to desire it and feel comfortable in this state. Loneliness implies discomfort and desire to feel the connection with others.

Everyone has their own loneliness

Even active life and the presence of acquaintances do not save many of us from loneliness. Hundreds or even thousands of "Frems" on social networks do not guarantee that there is someone with whom you can watch a movie or drink a cup of coffee. One of the most acute experiences can happen when we are surrounded by a crowd of people alien to us or even in the company of a partner or friend, the proximity with which is lost.

If we do not have a romantic relationship or a person with whom you can spend a vacation together, we feel lonely. And if we feel loss or mental emptiness, too. To experience this state means not

to consist in important relations with others, with the world, with life itself.

Three faces of loneliness

In the book of John Kachippo and William Patrick “Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social ties” there are three factors describing this state.

1. The level of need for socialization

Each of us has a basic need to be included in society, and the personal level of this need is individual. Finding a satisfied socialization format is not easy.

2. The ability to independently regulate emotions

This means how you cope with feelings not only externally, but also deep inside. We are all upset if our needs for communication are not satisfied. With prolonged loneliness, sadness turns into chronic sadness. The pain that we experience directly depends on how much we are capable of emotional self -regulation.

Constant despondency can deprive us of the ability to correctly evaluate the intentions of other people. We can assume that we are rejected, although this is not so.

The ability to accept your feelings and cope with them, without accusing yourself or others, and the search for ways to solve the problem will help reduce the harm that loneliness does us.

3. Expectations and ideas about other people and their actions

When we are alone, this does not mean that we do not have normal socialization skills. But the feeling of loneliness causes an inability or unwillingness to apply them. It seems to us that we are doing everything possible to establish friendship and feel belonging to society, but we do not get a response.

This causes frustration, and over time it affects our mood when communicating with people. We come to negative conclusions, condemn others if we encounter criticism. And when anger and resentment arise, we are increasingly pushing others.

Sometimes single people have difficulties in communication, because they consider themselves inadequate or insignificant. The shame of ourselves prevents the establishment with others – for what we are.

Emotional instability can lead to a loss of a sense of security. It seems that danger is everywhere

Those who have been lonely for a long time can experience fear for various reasons. The fear of the invasion leads to closedness and inability to show your true "I". But if no one knows what we are, then how we get rid of loneliness? Even the language of the body – an uncertain pose and unfriendly expression – can push others away, and we do not even know about it. Desperately in need of rapprochement, we shout to the world: “Do not come!"

Emotional instability can lead to a loss of a sense of security. It seems that danger is everywhere. In this state, it is difficult to adequately perceive other people and their actions.